Understanding Trauma Bonds; Why Leaving Can Feel Impossible

Today I break down trauma bonds with clear language and grounded tools, showing how the nervous system, attachment patterns, and brain chemistry make leaving feel like withdrawal. 

• defining trauma bonds and clearing up common myths
• the four-stage cycle of connection, destabilisation, reconciliation, relief
• how intermittent reinforcement creates addiction-like looping
• dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin and why leaving feels like withdrawal
• romantic and parent–child examples that map the pattern

Ready for Deeper Support? 

Somatic Healing Group 

JOIN THE WAITLIST NOW!

If you’re ready to move beyond insight and into embodied healing, I’m opening one small Somatic Healing Group this spring.

This 6-week therapy group is designed for high-functioning women who:

• Feel chronically on edge or emotionally shut down
• Understand their trauma cognitively but still feel dysregulated
• Want practical nervous system regulation tools
• Are ready for deeper somatic integration

Group Details:

• 6 weeks
• 90 minutes weekly
• Limited to 5 women
• Therapist-led, trauma-informed container

• Tuesdays, 6:00–7:30 PM

• Begins April 21st

Investment: $300 total
Payment is due in full at enrollment to reserve your spot.

Spots are intentionally limited to maintain safety and depth.

→ Join the Somatic Healing Group waitlist here:
http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub

Work With Me Individually (Texas Residents)

I offer trauma-informed therapy for high-achieving women navigating:

• Complex trauma
• Late-diagnosed ADHD or autism
• Nervous system dysregulation
• Relational pattern healing

If you’d prefer one-on-one support, book a free 15-minute consultation here:
http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub

Good Music for Healing

🎵 **Divine Woman Playlist (Apple Music):** https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/divine-woman/pl.u-leyl096uMoD885j

You’re not alone. We’re healing together.

Transcript

Welcome & Episode Focus

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women. This is a space where your voice matters, where your body is sacred and your healing isn't rushed nor is it ever minimized. I'm Autumn, licensed professional counselor, yoga instructor, life coach, and ultimately a neurodivergent woman specializing in trauma and nervous system healing for high-functioning women who look successful on the outside, but feel dysregulated, exhausted, or disconnected on the inside. If you've experienced trauma, late diagnosed neurodivergence, or chronic relational stress, and you're ready to move beyond coping and into deep healing, you are in the right space, my dear. This isn't surface level therapy. This is pattern-changing, body-based, integrative work. And you don't have to do it alone. I'm here to guide you every Wednesday, sometimes Fridays, if I get a bonus episode in, not ever guaranteed. Used to be guaranteed. Now I go with the flow with bonus episodes, right? Isn't that the point of bonus? All right, so today's episode, trauma bonds, what they are, what they're not, mainly what they are. What I want to say about what they're not, trauma bonding is not me and you getting together and sharing our traumas and having shared experiences, feelings, or just feel validated. That's not trauma bonding. Having a friend and meeting someone and sharing something or having shared your trauma, that's not what trauma bonding is. So, all that aside, we're gonna get into what trauma bonding really is. So, like you know, when a relationship is unhealthy, you can possibly list the reasons, right? Maybe you've talked to friends about it, maybe you've even left before, and yet something keeps pulling you back. If you've ever felt emotionally addicted to someone who was hurting you, you may have experienced a trauma bond.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

And that's what we're talking about today.

The Four-Stage Cycle Explained

SPEAKER_02 2:06

And I wanna I want to dive into why breaking them can be so difficult. Because that that seemingly is the hardest part, not going back. Because when people are inside trauma bonds, they often think something is wrong with them. You might think you're weak, you might think you lack self-respect. But what's often happened is happening is a much on a much deeper level. Trauma bonds involve the nervous system, attachment patterns, and brain chemistry. And understanding that can change everything, and that is why I'm here today. So, part one, what trauma bonds actually are. Trauma bonds form through repeating cycles of emotional intensity and relief. The pattern often looks like intense connection, then harm or destabilization, something goes awry, then reconciliation, then relief. And then that cycle repeats. Over time, the nervous system becomes attached to that cycle. So I want to break that down, what that looks like in real life. I want to tell you what it is like, I want to give examples, so that's what we're diving into. Stage one of what initiates a trauma bond. I don't know if you can guess it.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

I can guess it, but I do this often. So if you can't guess it, that's okay. No shame here. Step one, stage one, love bombing.

Brain Chemistry And Addiction

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Many trauma bonds, many trauma bonds begin with something called love bombing. This is when someone creates an intense emotional closeness very quickly through overwhelming affection, attention, or promises. You might hear things like, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I've never connected with someone like this before. You're my soulmate. Oh, this can happen within days or weeks of meeting someone. They may text constantly, be in constant communication, which is a really big red flag of love bombing. That meets you and can't stop talking to you for hours and hours and hours or days. That's love bombing. Whether you mean it to be or not, that's setting a stage for some false intimacy. They may see you every day, they may talk about future plans very quickly, babies, vacations, plans, holidays, events, concerts, months away, trips, living together, marriage. It can all feel very magical. Your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin. Those are the chemicals that are involved in bonding and reward. And your nervous system begins associating this person with excitement and connection. Love bombing creates the feeling of deep intimacy before true trust has been built. Because healthy connection develops gradually. So, stage two, once the love bombing is in place, you get the destabilization phase. Something shifts. The warmth may disappear, criticism or distance may appear. You might hear things like, oh, you're being too sensitive. You're overthinking again. Maybe plans get canceled, communication might become unpredictable. You find yourself in an anxiously attached situation here where you're waiting for the call, waiting for the text, wondering what's up, just needing some sort of signal that everything's okay. Suddenly the relationship feels unstable. And your nervous system begins trying to restore that connection, right? So all of a sudden, good, good, good, good, good, bam, something happens. You notice the shift. You're not crazy, you're not making this up. There is a distinct change, whether it's vocalized, exemplified, or not. And your nervous system is like, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. We got to fix this. So stage three. Meantime, you're doing all you can do to either hold your shit together or prove to them that you are worthy of love. And stage three happens. Reconciliation. The warmth returns. Maybe they apologize. Maybe they become affectionate again. They might say something like, I'm sorry, I was just stressed. You know I care about you. And suddenly the connection feels restored. So what does that bring? You got it. Stage four, relief. Your nervous system is like, oh, okay, okay. That was just a clear, we're back, we're back, back on the track. The tension dissolves. And that relief feels powerful. Here's a tidbit. Trauma bonds don't attach you to the person, they attach you to the relief that follows the pain.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

One of the easiest ways to understand trauma bonds is to think about a slot machine.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

When someone plays a slot machine, they don't win every time. Most of the time they lose, but occasionally they win. That occasional reward is what keeps them pulling the lever. It's called intermittent reinforcement. And intermittent rewards are actually more addictive than consistent ones. Relationships that create trauma bonds work in the same way. Connect, conflict, distance, affection again. And when the warmth returns after distress, the brain registers that moment as a reward. So your nervous system learns if I stay long enough, the good part will come back. This isn't just an emotional cycle, this is a biological cycle. Trauma bonds involve the same brain systems involved in addiction. Yes. Dopamine drives reward seeking. Unpredictable rewards create stronger dopamine spikes. Cortisol, your stress hormone, increases emotional intensity and focus on the relationship. An oxytocin, the bonding hormone, it's released during affection and reconciliation. So the brain becomes trained to seek comfort from the same person who caused the distress.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

The nervous system learns to seek relief from the same person who created the pain. Let's just take a breath.

Somatic Group Invitation

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Trauma bonds, huh? Have a sip of something. Have you hydrated? Take a sip of something. I had to make a I made an iced decaf latte with almond milk this morning, and I put the collagen powder in the almond milk that was cold and it did not dissolve. And it was like I was slipping up, sipping up sludge. And I made a second one, but I didn't want to make more espresso, so I just used the same espresso. And it's like a weak decaf cup of coffee. Okay. I I shared. It's not the best cup of coffee, but hey, you know, girls gotta get her collagen. Light break. This is heavy shit. I'm throwing it on you. I want to give you time to kind of process and breathe. So here's a mid-roll. If you're listening to this and thinking, I understand this, I understand my trauma in intellectually. I understand what's going on. But I still keep making the wrong choices. I still keep going back. I still keep calling them. I still keep looking at their socials. I still keep finding a way to be in their atmosphere in some way. I want you to know you're not alone. This spring, I'm opening a small somatic healing group. We'll meet Tuesdays from 6 to 7:30 beginning April 21st. This is a six-week therapist led by yours truly container for women ready to move from intellectual insight into embodied safety. Group is limited to five women. The full investment is$300, due to enrollment, which opens March 23rd. This is a six-week focused group on nervous system regulation, embodied healing, and moving out of chronic survival mode. This is not me promising you miracles that your life is going to be amazing. This is me saying I'm offering a group that's going to get in tune with your body, in tune with your mind. Try to align those two up with breathing, tapping, body movement. I've got some good somatic trauma release practices. I've been training in a couple of somatic trainings, and I'm really excited about offering some new modalities. Yeah, mid-roll, taking some space just to tell you about it because I understand being a smart, intelligent woman and knowing what's right or wrong, but not being able to make the right choice just yet because something in the body doesn't feel safe to make the correct choice. And I want to help you build that confidence in your body, that love for yourself and your body, so that those choices, those are correct choices for you that are for your greater good, that will be easier to make.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Okay.

Romantic Relationship Example

Parent–Child Trauma Bond

Intensity Versus Safety

Guided Body Check-In

SPEAKER_02 12:37

So why is it so hard to leave? If you intellectually know what's going on, why is it so hard to leave? Because when the bond breaks, your brain isn't just grieving a person, it's withdrawing from a neurochemical cycle. Yes, I mean it. I want to sit here and take a second to talk about the addiction component. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being very serious with you. You can insert any drug you want and in as as the person. That is exactly what's happening. If you have an addiction to a substance, it's hard. You can go, you can go maybe a while without thinking about them. You can stay sober, you can go no contact, and then all of a sudden the the urge to see, to use is overwhelming. Maybe there's a trigger, maybe life is stressing, maybe something's not going right in a relationship, and you're just romanticizing what was the go long ago, any sort of things. It's that neurochemical addiction. You are a junkie for the cycle. You've got to break the cycle. I'm thinking, you know, no contact, 12-step program. This is why I'm offering this somatic program because you need all the tools. You need talk therapy, you need body therapy, life coaching, health coaching. Make sure you're moving the body with Tai Chi or Yoga or Pilates, yes and no, depending on the Pilates, because it's so trendy now, right? But like something nourishing, you need all-encompassing nourishment because this is not just like, oh, I broke up with Bob, fuck him, he's an asshole, he cheated on me. Bye. There's so much more to that. So you have intrusive thoughts, longing, emotional dysregulation, rumination, anxiety. Leaving can feel similar to withdrawing from a substance. So, example one for a real-world scenario of a romantic relationship. Imagine you meet someone and the connection feels immediate. They tell you very quickly that you're different from anyone they've ever met. Maybe they text constantly. Maybe they want to see you all the time. They talk about the future, trips, moving in together, building a life. And you feel chosen. You feel seen, you feel special, like finally, like, hello, like this is what I've been looking for. Someone to really knock my socks off, right? Your nervous system lights up with excitement and possibility. But then something shifts. Like I said earlier, maybe the distance comes in. Maybe they don't text back for maybe a couple hours, half a day, a day, a whole day. I said that twice. Maybe they criticize something small, the way you say something, the way you react to something. And if you bring it up, they might tell you you're being a little dramatic or that you're overthinking or you're too sensitive. Suddenly you might feel, you probably feel very unsure of yourself. The warmth that was once there that felt so strong now feels uncertain. So, guess what happens? That nervous system becomes activated and you start going at it. What did I do wrong? How do I fix it? Please love me. What do you need? I miss you so much. All the just talk to me. Why aren't you talking to me? What's going on? Did I say something? And then also internal stuff. If if it's all internal, you could be asking those same questions. And then something happens because they come back with warmth. The silent treatment's over, the mistreatment's over. They might apologize. They might send loving messages again to remind you how special you are to them. Maybe they say, I just got I get overwhelmed sometimes. I'm sorry if I hurt you. You know I care about you. And your body feels relief. That relief can feel powerful, but over time the cycle repeats. This is not about accommodating. This is not about not accommodating. If it is truly a stressed thing, then are they in therapy? Are they using coping skills? Because one major coping skill is communicating your needs, not going silent, not being rude, not being passive aggressive. So even if they are fucking stressed, boy oh boy, poor them, nobody else is that doesn't excuse any of the behavior or excuse the cycle. The cycle is still there. Connection, confusion, reconciliation, relief. I'll say it again. Connection, confusion, reconciliation, relief. And slowly your nervous system becomes attached not just to the person, but to the cycle itself. Real world scenario number two. Parent-child trauma bond. Trauma bonds do not have to only happen in romantic relationships. They can form in childhood. Imagine a parent who is sometimes warm, affectionate, and loving. They may tell you they're proud of you, they may hug you, they may make you feel safe. But at other times they are unpredictable. Maybe they become angry quickly, maybe they criticize or shame you. Maybe they withdraw affection or become emotionally unavailable. As a child, you never know which version of the parent you'll encounter. So your nervous system learns to constantly scan the environment. You become highly attuned to their moods. You learn to anticipate reactions, minimize your needs, keep the peace, perform emotional labor. And when the loving version of the parent appears again, it feels like relief. The warmth feels incredibly meaningful because it follows instability. Your nervous system learns connection comes after distress. And that pattern can follow someone into adulthood. And without realizing it, you may feel drawn to relationships that recreate that same cycle. Not because you want pain, but because the nervous system recognizes the pattern. And familiar patterns can look a lot like love. Because this is what happens with your nervous system. Your nervous system will choose a familiar chaos before it will choose an unfamiliar comfort. You have to purposely, actively, intentionally choose the new comfort several times so that the nervous system will change and switch and relax. When people hear the term trauma bonds, you might think extreme abuse. But often it forms through repeated cycles of emotional instability and relief, as I've been talking about. And once the brain and nervous system become wired to that cycle, breaking it can feel incredibly difficult. Leaving, even though leaving can feel very hard, can be very hard, even when you know it's unhealthy. Because part of the answer is that it's biological. Trauma bonds create a neurochemical addiction in the brain. The cycle of distress and relief activates dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin in powerful ways. So when you leave the relationship, your brain isn't just losing a person. It's losing the cycle it has been conditioned to expect. And that that can feel like that withdrawal. That can feel like you're going mad, like you can't live without them. You can't breathe. You're suffocating. You gotta have them, you gotta know what they're doing. You just gotta need a taste, just a little taste. Your brain keeps looking for the next moment of relief, the next apology, the next affectionate message, the next moment where everything suddenly feels okay again. And leaving means accepting that you won't get that fix anymore. But there's also another layer to this. Trauma bonds often involve psychological conditioning. Over time, you may have been told directly or indirectly that you're difficult, too sensitive, too much, are lucky that someone is willing to stay with you. You may have heard things like no one else would put up with you, you're the problem, you're impossible to please. So leaving the relationship can feel like confirming those fears. It can feel like stepping into a world where those painful beliefs might be true. And that makes the nervous system want to stay. There's also the unpredictability. The relationship wasn't bad all the time. There were great moments, amazing moments. He could be so kind. She could be the most wonderful girlfriend. And those moments kept and keep hope alive. You may find yourself thinking, maybe this time it will be different. Maybe the good version of them will come back. Maybe if I just explain things better. And that hope is so freaking powerful because the brain remembers the reward, the chemical rewards. Give me that drug. Even if it only happens occasionally, right? I'll take a fix every now and then. Just give me a fix. I know it's coming. I can wait, just I know it's coming. So when people say, Why didn't you just leave? They're usually misunderstanding something very important. Leaving a trauma bond isn't just an emotional decision, it's a nervous system process. And healing it requires more than insight. It requires retraining the body to recognize the difference between intensity and safety. Your brain isn't just missing the person, it's missing the relief that followed the chaos. Trauma bonds don't trap weak people, they trap caring nervous systems, empathy, hope, attachment wounds, neurodivergent, rejection sensitivity, and all these can strengthen the bond. So you're not weak. You're not a failure. You're not losing. You're going through an addiction. A very strong addiction to an unhealthy cycle. That's big stuff. Before we wrap it up, before I close this episode, I want to invite you for a short moment of reflection. If you're able to, take a slow breath. I'm not saying inhale, exhale, breathe, breathe, breathe. I'm just saying notice your breath. Nothing dramatic. Just take an inhale. And then blow the air out until your belly's empty. Now bring to mind someone you felt deeply attached to. A romantic partner, a parent, someone from your past. Just notice what happens in your body as you think about them. You might have already been thinking about them, or it might be the reason you put push play on this podcast. Just notice what happens in your body as you think about them. Not the story, but the sensation. What do you feel? Is there tightness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? Pressure in your throat? Maybe a sense of urgency. Maybe you feel warmth, longing, confusion. Just notice.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Now ask yourself, when I think about this person, does my body feel calmer or activated? Do I feel steady or on edge? Do I feel safe or relieved after tension?

Somatic Tools And Supports

Resources, Community, And Closing

SPEAKER_02 26:28

You might discover something important in this moment. What do you What is it that you thought that thought was love? But what it actually was was relief after distress. And relief can be very, very powerful. But relief is not the same as safety. Safety settles your nervous system. It allows your body to soften. And it doesn't require constant emotional recovery. If your body feels activated right now, that's not a failure. That's information. Your body has been trying to tell you something for a long time. And the more you learn to listen to those signals, the clearer the message becomes. Body trust doesn't build overnight, it builds slowly through noticing, through pausing, through choosing steadiness over chaos. And this is very deep somatic work. Take a nice breath. Inhale, and I want you to let it out of the mouth with some vocalization. Louder, gruntier, whatever you want. Do that again. Inhale. Let it out in any way. Your nervous system was trained inside the bond and it can be retrained outside of it. And healing that process is deep somatic work. The more your body learns the difference between intensity and safety, the more clearly you begin to choose relationships that actually support your well-being. If you have the means, if it's in your budget, please be in talk therapy right now with someone who is knowledgeable of trauma bonds, relational issues, narcissistic abuse, any of those things. And then also get into the body, somatic work, yoga, meditation, body movement, shaking, wiggling, jiggling, dancing, humming, singing, tapping, bilateral tapping. If you have your arms crossed, left left hand on right shoulder, right hand on left shoulder, butterfly tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. EFT tapping, there are numerous ways to tap into somatic work. I'm here for you. If you want to work individually, you can reach out on the link in the show notes. If you want to join the somatic healing wait list, the group wait list, because enrollment opens March 23rd. So be the first to get notified, the first to have the option to reserve one of the five spots. Reach out. The links are in the show notes. I'm here to help. If you're not going to work with me, work with someone else, please, for the sake of your sanity and your well-being. You deserve to feel free. You deserve to feel healed. All right. So yeah, the group is for women who are insightful and capable, but find yourself freezing, overexplaining, or second guessing when something feels off. So over the six weeks, we'll focus on nervous system regulation so you can access clarity and confidence from a steady place. When your body feels safe, your voice becomes clearer. When you're regulated, advocacy doesn't feel explosive or terrifying. It comes from a place of groundedness. This is about building confidence from the inside out. If you want to hear just an empowering playlist, a free resource, if you've got Apple or Spotify, there are links in the show notes. Go to the link tree and find the link for your platform to listen to a beautiful list of music by some wonderful people to just empower you and make you feel seen, heard, validated, loved, supported, all those things. I really love that playlist. Everything you need is in the show notes. Message me, leave an emoji, tell me you loved it. If you want to share this with someone, please help me grow. I am not in the marketing game. I'm not even on social media right now, even though sometimes I think about getting back on it. So yeah, if you want to help me grow, if you want to help more women heal, please invite them to be part of this community by sharing an episode. I would really appreciate it. Much love. That means a lot to me. Until next time, I want you to know you were never too much, my dear, and you're never too late. And you don't have to figure it out all alone because I am right here with you every Wednesday. Sometimes Fridays. Maybe. Maybe every Friday. Maybe not every Friday. I don't know. It's just when the inspiration sparks. But Wednesdays, I'm here. Faux show. May you be happy and free, my dears. May our healing ripple hour to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of your awakened heart, and I'll see you soon.