Navigating Toxic Masculinity

We name the real-world patterns of toxic masculinity and the ways numbness, rage, and control show up as silence, intimidation, gaslighting, and guilt. I keep the focus on safety and give you clear scripts so you can stop shrinking and start protecting yourself.

• why understanding harm never equals tolerating it
• how shutdown and stonewalling become a weapon
• what rage signals in the body and why it escalates
• the “shadow side” of adapting by walking on eggshells
• boundary scripts for withdrawal, aggression, gaslighting, and manipulation
• three-question safety check before you engage
• grounding breath and the reminder: “I am not responsible for his healing. I am responsible for my safety.”

Ready for Deeper Support?

Somatic Healing Group  - JOIN NOW! Group starts April 21st!

If you’re ready to move beyond insight and into embodied healing, I’m opening one small Somatic Healing Group this spring.

This 6-week therapy group is designed for high-functioning women who:

• Feel chronically on edge or emotionally shut down
• Understand their trauma cognitively but still feel dysregulated
• Want practical nervous system regulation tools
• Are ready for deeper somatic integration

Group Details:

• 6 weeks

• 90 minutes weekly

• Limited to 5 women

• Tuesdays, 6:00–7:30 PM

• Begins April 21st

Investment: $300 total
Payment is due in full at enrollment to reserve your spot.

Spots are intentionally limited to maintain safety and depth.

→ Join the Somatic Healing Group waitlist here:
http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub

Work With Me Individually (Texas Residents)

I offer trauma-informed therapy for high-achieving women navigating:

• Complex trauma
• Late-diagnosed ADHD or autism
• Nervous system dysregulation
• Relational pattern healing

If you’d prefer one-on-one support, book a free 15-minute consultation here:
http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub

Good Music for Healing

🎵 **Divine Woman Playlist (Apple Music):** https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/divine-woman/pl.u-leyl096uMoD885j

Episodes Mentioned in this Episode

Epi 48: Somatic Healing Explained in Practical Terms

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/18782914-somatic-healing-explained-in-practical-terms

You’re not alone. 

We’re healing together.

Transcript

Welcome And Somatic Group Invite

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women, a space where your voice matters, your body is sacred, and your healing is never rushed, nor will I ever minimize it. I'm Ada Moran, a licensed professional counselor specializing in trauma and neurodivergent women's nervous system healing. Here, my goal is to move us from pushing through into empowered clarity and grounded power. Before we get started, I want to take a little moment to do a little advertisement for myself, and then we'll get into it. I want to talk about the women's somatic healing group. If you've heard the word somatic and think, oh boy, or what the fuck, because it's just a buzzword right now, I will link the episode in the show notes on what somatic therapy really is. But right now, I want to talk about healing together in real time because the enrollment window is officially open for the six-week women's healing group consisting of myself and five other women. This is an intimate space for women who are tired of just understanding their patterns and are ready to actually feel different in their mind and bodies. If you've been doing the work, if you know the insight, but your body still feels anxious, shut down, overwhelmed, stuck, or even if relaxing is a challenge for you, this is where we shift all that. This isn't about performing healing. This is about experiencing it. We'll be working with nervous system regulation, somatic tools. We'll do some somatic work today. I try to incorporate somatic or at least some breath work or at least some self-care work in each episode. So you'll get familiar with it, or you might be familiar with some of the somatic tools because I invite them in this space. I introduce them in a space. It's not, I'm not a gatekeeper. You don't have to have some sort of holy grail to understand somatic therapy and somatic healing. And this is my way of sharing. Okay. And we'll learn how to actually feel safe and steady in your life. It's six weeks, it's a small group, and it's designed to help you move from survival mode, from pushing through into something more grounded, clear, and self-trusting. If this is speaking to you, you can join through the link in the show notes. I'll provide all the details at the end of the episode so I don't take up too much time right now. Because, you know, today's topic. I don't know. Are we experiencing toxic masculinity in real time on large scales? I don't know. I've got thoughts, but that's not what this episode is about. This is about talking about toxic masculinity, learning what it is, learning how to navigate it. And just arming ourselves with knowledge so that we can identify it and get away as fast as possible. But first, I want to say this. Understanding why someone behaves badly does not mean you have to tolerate it. I am not telling you this information. I'm not sharing this information so that you can excuse abusive behavior and continue to take abuse. Understanding the psychology of an abuser does not mean you are responsible for fixing them, staying with them, supporting them, helping them along the way. Be safe. Get your and yours safe. Your children, your dogs, your pets, whatever. Be safe. Let them fix themselves. That's not your job. Because too often we're taught to empathize with the person hurting us. We're told to look for the wounded child inside the man who is yelling at us or the fear behind the man who is controlling us. Stop that shit. While it is true that many harmful behaviors stem from unhealed trauma or rigid survival strategies, that is not an excuse. It is not a get out of jail free card. If someone uses their trauma to justify hurting you, that is not survival, that is abuse. If someone uses their freeze response to ignore you for a long period of time, that is not adaptation. That is neglect. That is stonewalling. If someone uses stoicism to gaslight you into thinking your reality isn't real, that's not coping, my dears. That is manipulation. Today, we're going to look at the patterns of toxic masculinity: the numbness, the rage, the control. Not to make excuses for them, but to help you see them clearly. So you can identify what's going on, get out of that victim mindset, get out of that blaming mindset. Because when you can name the pattern, you can stop blaming yourself. When you see the armor for what it is, you stop trying to break it down with your bare hands. And when you realize that his survival is costing your safety, you can finally make the choice to protect yourself. We are not here to save him. We are here to save you. I understand that not just men exhibit toxic masculine traits. For this episode, I will use he, him pronouns with the understanding that it could also mean they, them, or she, her. Knowing me, I might say they instead of him. I've said it a few times already, but in the grand scheme of things, I will use he, him pronouns when talking about toxic masculinity. All right. First up, right? I said we were gonna go through the patterns, the numbness, the rage, the control. So let's start with the numb season, right? This is about understanding the root without excusing the harm. Let's start with the silence. Many of you may have had a partner, a father, or a figure in your life who just disappears, maybe shuts down, goes quiet, leaves the room, checks their phone. Or they simply become a wall. In old stories, we might call this coldness or we might call this lack of care. But from a clinical stand, are you know more to it than that? It might just be, oh, he's just a guy. He's just a guy. You know, they're not too deep, they don't have too much to say. He, you know, he does what he does. Oh, boys will be fucking boys. Ugh, burn that, burn that. Okay. So in old stories, it might have been excused with other things, right? Oh, it's not him, girl, it's you. But from a clinical standpoint, this is often a freeze response. When a boy is raised in a culture that tells him, boys don't cry, you have to be strong, you're you're gonna be a man, don't show weakness. That little boy's nervous system learns a terrifying lesson that vulnerability is dangerous. So he adapts, he disconnects, he numbs out the parts of himself that feel fear, sadness, or tenderness. But the critical distinction is a man who is struggling might shut down, but he eventually comes back. He might get angry, but he apologizes. He respects your boundary once you set it. He is willing to do the work. A man who is abusive uses this shutdown as a weapon. He shuts down to punish you. He shuts down to avoid accountability, he shuts down to make you feel crazy for needing connection. When a man shuts down to hurt you, he isn't protecting a vulnerable heart. He is choosing to withhold his humanity. His numbness is not a choice. Maybe the initial adaptation wasn't. But all in all, staying numb when it hurts, that's a choice. Continuing the patterns without taking responsibility or not taking the feedback from others because you're not the first person to give them this feedback. Think about your own body right now. Like just kind of let's let's take a moment. I don't know what that was. Maybe a bell, a singing bowl, or chime. I just made a noise. When you think about that silence, that shutdown, do you feel that anywhere in your body?

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Is there heaviness or tightness in your chest or stomach? Shoulders, jaws, face, mind.

Rage As Armor And Control

How We Shrink To Survive

SPEAKER_00 9:20

That feeling is your nervous system recognizing the pattern. It's saying, I know this, I've been here before. You're not crazy for feeling hurt by the silence, but understanding that it is a weaponized survival strategy changes the story. It moves us from he doesn't love me to he is choosing to hurt me. And while that doesn't excuse the pain it causes you, it helps you see the root. You cannot thaw a frozen heart with force. You can only create safety. But first, you have to be safe yourself. He has to create safety. It is his job to create safety because he is the one making it unsafe. What about rage? What about the cost of suppression, right? If numbness is the free state, what happens when that pressure gets too high? What happens when the dam breaks, so to speak? It often looks like rage. It looks like aggression. Maybe it looks like controlling behavior, shouting, slamming doors, intimidation. We often think of this as evil, but in the body, rage is often just grief wearing armor. When a man is taught that he cannot feel sadness, fear, or shame, those emotions don't fucking go away. They go underground, they ferment, and eventually they come out so big, so loud, so angry. Because anger is the only emotion that feels safe to express. It feels powerful. It feels like control. It's kind of what is expected of a dude to be aggressive or macho or burbr. But the core truth of this is like men aren't born angry. They are taught that anger is the only acceptable way to be powerful. So when he yells at you or when he tries to control the narrative, he is often screaming a silent plea. I am scared. I am ashamed. I don't know how to feel this, so I will make you feel it instead. So notice your body when you think about that rage. Tap into the body. Is there tightening? Clenching of the jaws? Maybe your fist. This is your body preparing to fight or flee. This is your nervous system saying danger, threat, danger, danger. But I want to make this very fucking clear, my dears. Understanding the root does not mean accepting the abuse. You can understand that his rage is a symptom of his trauma and still say, This is not safe for me. I've got to go somewhere else. You can hold compassion for his pain and still protect your own boundaries and safety and livelihood and mental health and well-being and body and mind. Can I go on more? Absolutely could, right? Protect yourself from so much damage and harm and negative shit, nastiness, ugliness, hate. Is his to heal, and your safety is yours to keep, to make, to make sacred, to have. If his rage is used to intimidate you, silence you, or make you feel small, this is not a symptom. That is abuse. And you do not need to understand his trauma to know that you deserve better. Way better. So we went through numbness. We went through rage. What about the shadow side? Because that dynamic doesn't just happen out there. It happens in here. Many of us, especially women who have survived sexual trauma, have learned to adapt to toxic masculinity in our own bodies. Maybe you've learned to be the good girl, the one who doesn't make waves, the one who shrinks so he can expand. You've learned to be hyper-vigilant. You scan his face for changes in mood. You walk on eggshells. What's walking on eggshells? If he's about to be home, you've got to make sure the house is clean up. If he is about to be home, you can't be on the couch, relax, and doing it is whatever it is you do when he's not around. When he is in the house, you're making sure he's okay, seeing what he wants to do, what meal he wants to make, if there's anything you can do for him, if he's okay, staying out of his way. Oh, he's in his space, he's in his room. I really want to spend time to him and talk to him, but that's his space. We it's on his terms. He'll come to me later. Eggshells. You silence your own needs to keep the peace. This is the shadow side. We absorb the pattern, we internalize the messages that our me, our meads, our meads are too niche. Our needs are too much, or something like if I speak up, I will be punished, or he will get mad, or the evening won't go well, he'll get upset. I just want to have a nice night. And so what happens? Your nervous system stays in a constant, constant state of high alert. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are always ready to apologize before you've even done anything wrong. Scan your bed. My voice, my words aren't coming out right, so I'm gonna try this again. Scan your body right now. Where are you holding tension? Where's the tightness?

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Where's the uneasiness? Where are your shoulders at? About your back, your face.

Boundaries You Can Actually Say

SPEAKER_00 16:03

The tension is the weight of carrying someone else's survival strategy. You didn't just witness this pattern, you adapted to it. Your nervous system learned to shrink so he can expand. But today, I want to teach you that you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs, and you are allowed to say, no, I've changed my mind. I don't want to do this anymore because I don't know where this rule is, I don't know how we've been conditioned to believe this. But the honest to God truth, honest to goodness, honest to universe, whatever you want to say, you can change your mind about anything and everything at any fucking time. I don't care how old you are, I don't care what situation you're in, I don't care. Will there be consequences? Duh, everything has consequences. Will it be hard? Probably. Everything's pretty much hard if you're working for something, to something. Like life is not rainbows and sunshines, but gah. You can change your mind. And I want you to know that you do not have to earn safety. It is yours to take right this fucking minute, today, this week, right now. So I think the most important part of this episode is the next section I have. And I think that is what to do with all this information. How do we set boundaries when the other person is in survival mode? Or worse, when they are using that mode as a weapon. How do we protect our nervous system when the armor is up? First, first rule, a rule for you. I'm gonna take a sip. We're about to we're about to learn a new rule and write it down, put it in your memory. Oh, that's a good latte. I made a good latte today. All right, first rule: you cannot fix him. When I was in the military, I think I've told the story before, but if you're new here, welcome. I'm a veteran. I was in the Air Force, and in basic training, we had two sergeants that were up above us, that taught us, that wrangled us. And they would just drone on and do their part and do their part and do their part. But if it was something we had to know and remember that was important, they would be like, okay, here we are, folks. And they would bang their fist on their podium and stomp their feet. And they're like, This is what you need to know. So I'm telling you this now: banging my fist on the podium, stomping my feet, getting your attention. You cannot fix him. You cannot heal his trauma, you cannot cock him out of his survival strategy. Your job is not to be his therapist, your job is to be the guardian of your own safety. So I want to give you some scripts, right? If there's hope, if there's any hope, these scripts can help. They're short, direct, and non-negotiable. They are designed to regulate your nervous system, not to argue with his. So, scenario one, when he shuts down, say he withdraws to punish you, avoids accountability, or makes you chase him. The trap is chasing him, raising your voice, and apologizing to fix it. So the script. I see you are choosing to shut down. I will not wait around for you to decide if I matter. I'm going to take a break to regulate myself. Do not contact me until you are ready to treat me with respect. That's heavy. That's a lot. And I know that can feel scary. So if it is too overwhelming and you think, nah, I'm never saying that, that's gonna start a whole world of shit, then you can say something very simple. I'm going to take a break to regulate myself, and then take a break. It removes the chase. If you're able to name his shutdown, that names the behavior as a choice, not a passive state. So you can say something like, I see you are choosing to shut down. This is overwhelming. I'm going to take a break to regulate myself. It centers your action, not his. What about the threat? When he gets aggressive or loud, so voices rise, intimidation tactics start coming in, and maybe he has aggressive body language. The trap here is trying to reason with someone in a fight state or shrinking to de-escalate the fight state. So here's your script. I'll slow down in case you're taking notes. I just realized that I I blew through the other one, so I'm gonna slow down. You are being aggressive. This is not safe. I am ending this conversation right now. I will not engage when I feel threatened.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Do not follow me.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

If you want to make it shorter or simpler, you are being aggressive.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

I'm ending this conversation right now.

Safety Check And Grounding Practice

SPEAKER_00 22:09

This prioritizes physical and emotional safety over winning the point. It establishes a hard line. Aggression equals no access to you. If you're gonna be aggressive, I'm gonna end the conversation. And you end it. You don't respond, you don't stay around for his whining. You go back to the other part of the script that we had, and you can say, I'm going to take a break to regulate myself. I'll be back in X amount of time. And go to a closet, go to a bathroom, go to your room, take a walk, sit outside, sit in your car, drive around the block, do something that really sticks with that boundary. Do not stay there so he can push your buttons so that you can get trapped. What about when the gaslighting happens? When he minimizes your pain, you're too sensitive, you're overreacting. That never happened. I didn't say that. That's not what I said. So the trap here is trying to prove your reality or convincing him he's wrong. So this is the script. You are rewriting history to make yourself feel better. I know what happened. My reality is valid, regardless of whether you agree. I am not debating this with you. Simpler version of that. If it's too overwhelming, you're rewriting history to make yourself feel better. I'm not debating this with you. It stops the loop of proving yourself. It reclaims your internal authority. It refuses to play the game. So you can simply say, I know what happened. I'm not debating this with you. So I'll read that whole thing, not so pausing. You are rewriting history to make yourself feel better. I know what happened. My reality is valid, regardless of whether you agree. I'm not debating this with you. All right, last scenario I have is the manipulation part. When he uses guilt or obligation. If you loved me, you'd dot dot dot x yz. You're being so selfish. I did so much for you. Look what I did for you. I went and did all this, and now you're saying this. Like, look. The the trap, over-explaining, apologizing, and giving in to keep the peace. So the script pretty simple. I understand you're upset, but I cannot do that. My decision is final. I'm not going to discuss this further right now. I understand you're upset, but I'm not going to discuss this further right now. My no is a no. This this breaks the broken record technique. It refuses to engage with the guilt trip. Scripts are powerful, but they only work if your body is regulated. If your nervous system is in a panic, you won't be able to speak these words. This will not even be, your amygdala would be offline and rational thought will not be available. So before you engage, I want you to do a safety check. I want you to ask yourself three questions. Number one, is this person capable of hearing me right now? Or at all? So number one, is this person capable of hearing me right now? Or at all. Number two, if I set this boundary, will they respect it or will this escalate? If I set this boundary, will they respect it or will they escalate? Number three, I am trying to manage. Am I trying to manage their emotions or am I protecting mine? Am I trying to manage their emotions or am I protecting mine? If the answer to number two is they will escalate, do not engage. Your job is not to have the perfect conversation. Your job is to get to safety. So let's let's let's slow this down because this is a lot. Because I gave you the tools on some scripts, right? On things to say to move the the survival, to just to move the conversation, to stop the abuse, right? Stop the lack of responsibility, the lack of accountability on the part on the man's part, your partner's part. So put one hand on your chest. Or if if you sometimes I can't feel my heartbeat. I have a low heartbeat. So if you want to put like two fingers on your neck or on any of your pulse points to feel your heartbeat, that's okay. Take a deep breath in. Inhale deeply. Hold it there at the top, and when you exhale, I want you to exhale out every piece of breath.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Tell yourself.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

I am not responsible for his healing. I am responsible for my safety. I am not responsible for his healing.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

I am responsible for my safety. I am not responsible for his healing.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

I am responsible for my safety. And I want you to repeat that until your body believes it.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

Does anything happen in your body when you say these things to yourself? Maybe your shoulders drop.

Leaving Plans And Support Resources

SPEAKER_00 28:39

Maybe it feels a little lighter, or body parts unclinch. This is your nervous system recognizing the truth. You are the guardian of your own peace. And trust me, if me saying this three times and you're like, girl, no, girl, no, girl, no, fuck this, fuck this. I'm no, I he you talk about safety. What about this and this? I know there are logistics. I know there are obstacles in the way to get to safety, but your safety is the most important thing. And you've got to chase after that, like that is your lifeline because it is. Because statistically speaking, abuse escalates. It gets worse over time. So it's not going to get better. You're not, I don't mean to be any sort of way, and I'm not trying to be negative, but you're not the chosen one. You're not the one it's going to be different with. This is statistically, this is averages, this is human behavior. It has been studied a lot.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

It is predictable.

Healing Group Details And Closing

SPEAKER_00 29:48

You are the guardian of your own peace. Seek out domestic violence shelters, seek out trauma therapists, seek out domestic violence shelters, nonprofits, find any sort of organizations that can help you get what you need to be free. You can do this. Oh, I know. I get I get heated. Sorry, I'm gonna take a sip of my drink. My little latte I made. Healing from the impact of toxic masculinity is not about hating men. It's about loving yourself enough to stop adapting to their survival strategies. It's not about realizing that you don't have to be small to make him big. It is about that. What am I saying? It is about realizing that you don't have to be small to make him big. You don't have to be silent to make him feel calm and at peace. And you don't have to shrink to keep the peace. Your body is not broken, it adapted. And now this is a gentle awakening for something new. This is a this is helping you know that you are safe. This is teaching yourself that your voice matters. If you are in a situation where boundaries are met with rage, punishment, or escalation, please know that this is a safety issue. The script for that is simple. I am leaving. This is not safe for me. And you leave. You leave when it's safe for you to leave. Your safety is the priority always. Thank you for sitting with me in this. I mean, this is a heavy topic. There's so many things we could say about toxic masculinity, but I think it's important just to talk about the interpersonal aspects of toxic masculinity. Yeah, there's a lot to it, but it's not yours to hold. It's not yours to fix. This is knowledge for you to see that this is not a you problem. This is a them problem. And you got to get the fuck out of there, sis. You got to go. You got to go. It may be lonely, it may be scary, it may be hard, but God, so is this. And this is wearing you down if it hasn't already worn you down to just numbness, to just detachment, dissociation. Maybe you didn't even want to read the re this, listen to this episode because of the title. And it made you think of like, no, I'll have to take, I'll have to do something. Don't let that fear freeze you because I can't say that it's false evidence appearing real because I don't know your situation, and maybe your person is dangerous. And if that's the case, go to domestic violence shelter websites. They have a safe key so that you can go click on it so that it's not traceable, so that it doesn't show up as anything, so that if anyone's around, you can click on it and it goes to another website. They have homes all throughout communities that you can stay in that are nothing but women trying to get on their feet and find safety just like you. They have mental health therapists, they have programs, they help you get housing, they help you get jobs. It's a whole system and it's very helpful. I've seen it, I've done it, I've worked it hands hands-on in real life. Safety is always the priority. Thank you so much for sitting with me in this. Thank you and thank yourself for doing the work because you are not alone. I see you, and you are worthy of love that feels safe. If you've been listening for a while, you know that healing isn't a straight line. You know, it's a little messy. It's not about fixing a broken part of yourself. It's about teaching your nervous system that it's safe to come out of survival mode, even just a little bit. And to do that, you have to be in a safe environment. But there comes a point where listening isn't enough. There comes a moment when you need to do the work, not just hear about it. You need a space where you can practice feeling safe, where you can try on new boundaries, where you can let your body learn something new without having to explain it to anyone. And this is why I created the somatic healing group. This isn't a traditional support group. It's a it's certainly not a fix-yourself workshop. It is a structured, trauma-informed container specifically designed for women navigating the arcs we've talked about, the numbness, the rage, and the slow tender work of rebirth. We move at the pace of your nervous system. We don't rush, we honor the freeze, we validate the anger. In our sessions, we use somatic practices to help you regulate in real time. So you aren't just understanding your trauma patterns on a cognitive level, you're actually rewiring them in your body. We'll focus on three core pillars. First, will be safety, creating a consistent, predictable environment where your body can finally stop scanning for threats. Second, we'll create connection, not force socialization, but deep quiet relief of being with others who understand the language of survival without needing it explained. Third, self-trust. Learning to listen to your own internal cues again and trusting that you can handle what comes up. If you've been stuck in the numb phase, or if the rage feels too overwhelming to hold alone, this is group, this is group for you. This is the group for you. It's a place to be seen, not analyzed. This is where you will be held, not fixed, not judged, not ridiculed. We'll meet once a week for 90 minutes in each structured, in each session is structured, but gentle. You'll need a quiet private space, a notebook, something comfortable to sit or lie on, like a yoga mat or even just a blanket, and a space to move your body a little bit. Nothing intense, just enough to reconnect or connect for the very first time. This is not about performing or doing things right. I want you to show up exactly as you are, because we'll focus on regulating the nervous system in real time, learning how to recognize those internal cues, building boundaries that come from steadiness, not force, and practicing somatic tools like grounding, breath, and movement in a way that actually works for your body. Starting April 21st, we'll meet every Tuesday from 6 to 7:30 p.m. Central Standard Time. Spaces are limited to five women. The enrollment window is now open. You can find it in the show notes. Your investment is$300. That is due at sign up and it will cover all sessions, six weeks, six sessions, six hours, an hour and a half sessions. If you prefer individual work, you can book a free 15-minute consultation at the same link. Everything you need to know about that is in the show notes. If you want a wonderful playlist to listen to of just empowering music, of just fun music that's just good vibing and just all about loving yourself. I have it on Apple and Spotify. The links are in the show notes. It's called Divine Woman. And it is a good playlist, if I do say so myself. Check out the show notes on the episode that I mentioned of some what somatic healing is. Yeah. Until next time, I want you to know that you are never too much, never too late, and you do not have to figure it out all alone. I'm right here every Wednesday. May you be happy and free. May our healing ribble hour to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of your awakened heart, and I'll see you soon.