How Trauma Trains Learned Helplessness And How To Undo It

We name victim mentality for what it often is: a trauma-shaped nervous system pattern of powerlessness, not a character flaw. We walk through how to move from stuck to steady using awareness, regulation, small choices, and self-trust that your body can actually believe. 
• victim patterns as learned helplessness in the nervous system 
• common signs like “I can’t,” overexplaining, waiting, tolerating, people pleasing 
• the shift from victim to awareness to choice to agency to integration 
• GLOW as a regulation tool: Ground, Lengthen exhale, Offer kindness, Wiggle 

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Transcript

Welcome And What Healing Means

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women, a space where your voice matters, your body is sacred, and your healing is never rushed, nor will it ever be minimized. I'm Audna Moran, licensed professional counselor, yoga instructor, life coach, and a neurodivergent woman specializing in trauma and nervous system healing for high-functioning women who look successful on the outside, but feel dysregulated, exhausted, or just simply disconnected on the inside. If you've experienced trauma, late diagnosed neurodivergence, or chronic relational stress, and you're ready to move beyond coping and into deep healing, you are in the right place, my dear, because this is not surface level shit. This is pattern-changing, body-based, integrative work. And you do not have to do it alone because I am here every Wednesday, sometimes Fridays, for a bonus episode. And today's topic is can be quite activating. But I want to be up front and I want to get on my podium and bang and make it crystal clear that this episode about the victim mentality is in no way blaming or here to shame. This is not about saying you're doing something wrong. I want you to understand what happens when trauma teaches your nervous system that you are not safe, not in control, and not able to change what's happening to you. And I want you to know how that can turn into something that is called victim patterns. Not because you are a victim now, but because your body learned to survive that way. So victim mentality is not weakness, attention seeking attention seeking or personality flaw. It is a nervous system pattern of powerlessness. Victim mentality is a nervous system pattern of powerlessness. It sounds like I can't. This always happens to me. There's nothing I can do. It feels stuck, helpless, and waiting for something on the outside of you to change, to help you change, to bring about change. This is what happens when your body learned my actions don't change outcomes.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

This is essentially learned helplessness.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

So in everyday life, you might say, no matter what I do, things never work out. Or I just have bad luck, or there's no point in trying. In relationships, you might stay in dynamics that hurt. You might feel like you have no voice. You might wait for the other person to change. Or you might over-explain instead of setting boundaries. In loving relationships, you might choose emotionally unavailable partners. You might feel like you have to earn love. You might believe this is the best I'll get. No one else will love me. Some subtle patterns are chronic overthinking without action, asking for advice, but not implementing it. And feeling like life is happening to you, not for you. And this develops when your voice didn't change an outcome or outcomes. This developed when your boundaries weren't respected or upheld. This develops when your safety depended on other people. Your nervous system learned to freeze, fawn, and submit because that was safer than fighting back. So now, even when you do have options, your body doesn't recognize them because your nervous system will always choose familiar chaos over unfamiliar comfort. So, like this, there it comes with the cost because you give away your power without even maybe realizing it. You wait instead of choosing a path, choosing a solution, choosing a choice. You wait for someone else to decide or sway you or save you. And the cost is that you tolerate instead of respond.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

You allow, maybe even say enable bad behavior instead of responding to it.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

And over time, this reinforces, see, nothing changes.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Nothing I do ever's gonna make a difference.

The Hidden Cost Of Powerlessness

SPEAKER_01 5:12

The real shift looks like this victim to awareness, to choice, to agency. Not all at once, but gradually. So from victim to awareness, this is the moment you notice something in me feels stuck, small, or maybe powerless.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

So now you're starting to see you might notice your thoughts.

GLOW To Regulate Before Reacting

Small Choices Build Real Agency

Four Steps To Break The Pattern

SPEAKER_01 5:41

Bringing awareness to when you say, I can't, bringing awareness to the body when it feels tight, when you feel frozen, bringing awareness to your patterns, maybe patterns of over-explaining, maybe patterns of avoiding the situation altogether, maybe a pattern of waiting for the other person to come around or figure it out or say something. This is not failure. This is the first sign of change. You can't shift what you don't see. So now that you see it, you have awareness. And with awareness comes choice. This is where things may feel uncomfortable because now you see the pattern, but your body still wants to react in the same way. Again, that goes back to that familiar chaos. And this is where you got to slow it down. It's not I need to do something different immediately, but more like a curiosity of saying, can I create just a little space here? And by little space, I mean pausing instead of reacting, delaying your response, notice your urge without acting on it. And then I want you to also glow instead of override. Glow G L O W is my new anachronym for what I want you to do when you start to feel heavy, overwhelmed, dysregulated. G stands for ground yourself, look around the room, look around the space you're in, name some things, name some colors, put your feet on the ground. If you can't, just wiggle your toes. Either way, just wiggle your toes. Ground yourself into the present moment. And then I want you to L, lengthen your exhale. Take a regular inhale, but lengthen the exhale. Let that exhale be longer than the inhale. And oh, offer yourself an affirmation, some positivity, some just compassion. Acknowledge what you're feeling a lot, acknowledge if you're struggling or feeling some sort of way, and then offer some support. I got you. I love you. We got this, we can make it through this. Your feelings are valid. Your choices are valid. And then W. Finish the stress response by wiggling, shaking those arms, shaking your hands, shaking your legs. Just get up and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Shake it all out. This is where your nervous system now learns I'm not trapped in an automatic response. I have options. And those options just made me feel better. And the more you do the slow, consistent options of kindness, of showing up for yourself, of creating boundaries, of standing up and advocating for yourself, the more your nervous system will choose that path because it will begin to be familiar. So once you have choice, comes the agency. And that doesn't come from big, bold moves. It comes from small, repeated choices. Like I just said, your nervous system will not change with grand, swift movement. One big action, one big cycle of love bombing. None of that. Your nervous system will change, will regulate when it is offered consistent, safe attention, options, experiences. So saying things like, I'll get back to you, not explaining yourself or over-explaining yourself or fully explaining why you want to say no or why you want to say yes, choosing rest instead of pushing yourself to do another freaking thing on the to-do list, to be busy in some sort of way. And you can also have agency by letting someone be uncomfortable without fixing it. When something is uncomfortable, someone is uncomfortable, we've got to fix it. We've got to make them feel better. We got to make it all better. And that's just not true. People are allowed to be uncomfortable without us having to fix it. It's not your job to fix everybody. If you're a caregiver to that person, it's your job to support, it's your job to hear, it's your job to encourage, it's your job to help. But it's not your job to make everybody feel comfortable. And each time you choose different solid supportive action, your body, your nervous system registered. I did this, and I'm okay. And it feels good. That's agency. Once you have the agency, this is the part that most people skip is the integration. Over time, your body starts to trust. I can handle discomfort, I can survive other people's reactions. Shit, you may even be able to make choices and stay safe and know that you can do that. And eventually you don't have to force it anymore. Your responses start to feel more natural, more grounded, more aligned with who you are. Because what you're doing and what you're offering your nervous system is regulation, is love and compassion, not chaos. You might still feel like a victim sometimes. That doesn't mean you are one. It means your nervous system is remembering. It's not about convincing yourself you have power. It's about letting your body experience power through pausing, choosing, staying grounded, staying true to yourself, staying true to your word, and responding differently than the past chaos patterns. Empowerment is not a mindset, it is a nervous system experience. You don't go from powerless to powerful overnight. You go from like not noticing to noticing, from noticing to pausing, from pausing to choosing, from choosing to trusting yourself a little more each time. So how do you heal, right? That's what we're here for. Give me some knowledge and then give me some tools, right? I want you to notice your language. Step one is to notice your language. I can't, I have to, I have no choice, it's all on me. And gently shift to I don't want to, I'm choosing not to, I'm not ready yet. So before any change is gonna happen, you need awareness. I want you to start noticing. When do you feel small, stuck, or helpless? What just happened right before that moment of feeling small, stuck, or helpless? And what did your body do? Pay attention to you. Turn your attention on yourself and ask yourself hey, I'm feeling this way. What just happened? And what is my body telling me right now? Where am I feeling it? Look for like tightness in your chest. Maybe you shut down mentally, maybe you start overexplaining and you can't stop yourself and you just go, go, go. And simply maybe you're freezing or delaying response, action. This is interoception. Name what you feel. Naming what you feel actually helps regulate your nervous system. You're mapping your nervous system in a in a good way, in the right path. You're not judging the moment, you're not critiquing yourself, you're being curious, you're being open, not judgmental, not automatically changing, but subtly shifting to a less heavy response, a less heavy reaction. Step two: this is where glow comes in. Regulate before you react. Because when you feel powerless, your brain will assume the worst, will collapse into the pattern of there's no option, or it will rush into urgency. So you slow it down. When you feel activated, glow. Ground, feel your feet, press into something solid, lengthen your exhale, longer out than in, that regulates the nervous system. Offer kindness, offer steadiness. I don't have to decide right now. I am safe to take time to decide. And wiggle, shake, move, discharge the energy in some way out of the body. You don't need to feel calm. This is not about making it all better. This is a j, this is about making you feel a little more steady. Because clarity comes when you are regulated. Step number three: take small, safe actions, not big, overwhelming changes. Small things like just giving yourself permission to tell people, hey, I need a moment before I decide. Or I need a moment before we go. I need a moment before we start this conversation. I need a moment before I start dinner. I need a moment before I get on my to-do list. You can stop replying immediately. You can turn the phone over, you can put it on do not disturb. You can ask someone if you can get back to them, if it's an in-person conversation, or even if it's text or telephone call. I'll have to think about that. Let me get back to you. Try some statements on for size. Like, I don't want to. I'm choosing not to. I'm not ready yet. This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it in smaller pieces. Each time your body sees I did something and I'm okay, you're building power. Step four, rebuild self-trust. This is the foundation, right? Victim patterns aren't just about feeling powerless. They're about, I don't trust myself to handle what happens next. So instead of making big promises to yourself, build trust the same way you would in any relationship through small, consistent exchanges, events, moments. So start with I follow through with myself in small ways, not big life-changing decisions. Say I need a minute and actually take it. Notice you're overwhelmed and glow. Pause instead of pushing through.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Choose to rest when your body needs it, not when it's begging for it.

Find Your Internal Yes And No

Compassionate Reframes That Empower

Ways To Get Support And Go Deeper

Closing Reminders And Blessing

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Set a small boundary and don't immediately undo it. These are small, repeatable moments that let your nervous system know I don't abandon myself anymore. Keep your promises small and doable. Self-trust breaks when we overpromise. So instead of saying, I'm gonna completely change this pattern about myself and just be a new person tomorrow, try something more like next time this happens, I'm gonna pause for 10 seconds and glow. Or I'll notice my body before I respond. I will check in with my body before I have a reaction or response. This is how you create evidence for your nervous system, not pressure. And repair when you override yourself. You will override yourself sometimes, especially in the beginning. That doesn't break trust. Ignoring it does, ignoring that you broke it does break the trust. So instead of saying, I did it again, what's wrong with me? You would say, I see what happened. My body didn't feel safe. I'm still here. Next time I will take a break before I respond. This is how trust deepens within yourself. And you have to learn, you have to learn. It is a must to learn your internal yes and no. Victim patterns disconnect you from your signals. So we rebuild, we need to rebuild awareness of what feels open versus closed, steady versus urgent, grounded versus pressure. And you to do that, listen to your body, close your eyes, relax your jaws, soften your shoulders, and just tap into your body. Feel free to glow. We're gonna ground ourselves, wiggle our toes, take an inhale, let all the air out through the mouth. And offer yourself some kindness, some some compassion. We're learning something new, we're learning to show up for ourselves, and that is new and scary. Wiggle and shake it out, and then ask yourself: does this feel like a yes, a no, or a not yet? Even if you don't act on it right away, which I encourage you not to, noticing it is the first step. Your body's not gonna lie to you in the sense of like listening to it and that belly tightening when someone says, let's go out with Bob. Ooh, not Bob. Let your body lead, not just your thoughts. Self-trust is not just cognitive, it's somatic. So start checking in with yourself. What is my body doing right now? Do I feel expanded? Do I feel open? Or do I feel closed in, contracted, crunched up, stiff, tense? Do I feel steady or do I feel rushed? Your body will often know before your mind even does. Like your mind has to catch up. But also, I want you to know. And I want you to try to adopt the belief. And if this has to be your mantra, mantra at nauseum, let it be. And that is simply this I can handle what happens next. Not perfectly, not all at once. But I won't leave myself behind. I can handle what happens next. Self-trust isn't built by getting everything right, it's built by staying with yourself, especially in moments when you used to or usually abandon yourself. People please, mask, eggshell walk, enable, go silent, don't ruffle feathers, don't advocate. And once again, you know, I want to say it, and I wanted to be very clear. None of this is about blame. You did not become this way because you're weak. You became this way because your body learned that it wasn't safe, that it didn't have control, and that you couldn't have any control over what was happening. And at one point in your life, that was probably true. Your voice may not have changed things, your needs may not have been met, boundaries were not respected. So your nervous system adapted and learned to freeze, fawn, wait, and survive. Not because you failed, but because you were protecting yourself in the best way you could. And your nervous system doesn't automatically update when your life changes or when you have the mental wherewithal of what's happening. So you might be safer, older, more capable now in your present life, but your body is still responding from an old environment. So the shift is not, I need to stop being like this. The shift is to say something to yourself, like, my body learned this to stay safe, and I can teach it something new. I am teaching it something new. So, like, healing isn't about becoming a different person. It definitely isn't about never being triggered again because that's just not true. You will be triggered. It's about how you handle the trigger, it's about not losing yourself in the trigger, not abandoning yourself, your values, your morals, your goals, your authenticity during that trigger. Healing looks like noticing when you feel small or stuck, pausing, glowing before and instead of reacting. Creating even the tiniest bit of space for breath for thought for just a moment of clarity and choosing a slightly different response, reaction. It doesn't have to be the perfect response, it doesn't have to be all knowing, so super put together. It can be a messy response, and that's okay. Let it be slightly different than before. That's it. That's the work. And while you're doing all that work, the goal is to stay with yourself while you're doing it, to not abandon you no more. Because we're gonna still have moments where we feel powerless or stuck or want someone else to fix it. We might even fall back into old patterns. That doesn't mean you're back at the beginning. That means your nervous system is asking for support, not shame, not blame, not judgment. Your nervous system needs love, compassion, patience, and safety. Offer it that if you fall back into it, if you repeat old patterns, come back to you, be curious about you, ask yourself what it is you need to feel safe, to feel whole, shit, to even feel somewhat content. Instead of saying there's nothing I can do, I would like you to reframe it to something a little different. I may not control everything, but I have some choice here. I may not control everything, but I have some choice here. And even if it's 2%, 5% more choice, it's enough to start changing your life. Power is not loud, it doesn't always look like confrontation or big decisions. Sometimes power looks like pausing and breathing and not responding right away, choosing yourself quietly. You were never wrong for surviving the way you you did, but you are not stuck there. You don't have to rush this or you don't have to force this, but you are allowed to feel a little more steady, a little more clear, a little more aligned with who you are and what you want from your life. Like I say, all this to say, so that you can gain the knowledge and the coping skills and the wherewithal, so that when you are alone with yourself, you're not running from yourself. So that when you are alone with yourself, you find contentment and joy and love for yourself, not trying to run away, not trying to distract. What a life to just live from one distraction to a next that's not living, that's surviving. And I want you to have this information so that you can disengage from survival mode and get into living mode. You're not problematic, but your patterns might be asking for attention, and that's where your power begins. If this episode resonated with you, my dears, the best way to support this podcast is to follow, leave a comment, share it with someone who needs to hear it, because that helps this work reach women who are quietly healing. My goal is to create a community, create a landing space for women, for people to heal out loud, to heal safely with all the knowledge and as many coping skills as I can provide. If you're ready for deeper support, I'm opening a I I am opening. I have a small somatic healing group starting this spring, April 21st. Five women, six weeks, 90 minutes weekly. This group is for women who are insightful and capable, but find yourself freezing, overexplaining, or second guessing when something feels off. Over the six weeks, we'll focus on nervous system regulation so you can access clarity and confidence from a steady space. When your body feels safe, your voice becomes clearer. This is about building confidence from the inside out. The full investment is$300 due at the time and enrollment to secure your spot. And you can go to the link in the show notes and sign up. Enrollment is open, it's open. Class sessions start April 21st. If you prefer individual work, you can also book a free 15-minute consultation at the same link. Everything you need is in the show notes. If you want a good playlist for some empowering music, you've got my empowering playlist, Divine Woman, on Apple and Spotify. Until next time, my dears, I want you to know that you are never too much, never too late, and you don't have to figure it out all alone. I am here every Wednesday, sometimes Fridays. May you be happy and free. May our healing ripple hour to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of your awakened heart, and I'll see you soon.