BONUS EPI: Lilith And The Backlash Against Boundaries

I pick up Lilith’s story after her flight and name the brutal truth many of us meet after we finally say no: the backlash can rewrite us into the villain. I connect demonization to the trauma freeze response, then share ways to stay anchored in reality, regulate your nervous system, and keep your wings anyway. 

• Lilith’s “no” followed by punishment and character assassination 
• how boundary-setting triggers smear campaigns, exclusion, and silence 
• the freeze response as protection and how backlash can reinforce it 
• systems and equilibrium, why compliance becomes “load-bearing” 
• grounding, co-regulation, and breathwork with longer exhales

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I offer trauma-informed therapy for high-achieving women navigating:

• Complex trauma
• Late-diagnosed ADHD or autism
• Nervous system dysregulation
• Relational pattern healing

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Good Music for Healing

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Episodes Mentioned in this Episode

BONUS EPI: Lilith And The Power of No

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/19327346-bonus-epi-lilith-and-the-power-of-no

You’re not alone. 

We’re healing together.

Transcript

Bonus Setup And Lilith Returns

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there. Welcome back to The Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women. I'm Audemaran, your host and your guide through this season of season two Healing from Sexual Trauma. This is the bonus episode pairing with Wednesday's episode Raging at the Clock. And it's part two of Lilith's story. Last Friday was part one. We talked about the first, about the first refusal. Lilith said no. She was made from the same earth as Adam. Goes the story. She was equal. And when he demanded she be beneath him, she refused. Then she spoke a sacred name, grew wings, and flew away. Right? So that's where part one ended with flight, with freedom. But that's not where Lilith's story actually ends because after she left, she was turned into a freaking demon, a child killer, a creature of the night, a monster mothers warned their children about for thousands of years. She said, No, she left, and the cost was everything. Her name, her story, her humanity, all rewritten so that the people she left could feel fucking justified. And so that other women would think twice before doing the same thing. And that's what I'm talking about today. The cost of boundaries in the lens of Lilith. Because here, what so like the freeze, the freeze that we talked about, the stuckness, the conditioning that tells you it will be your fault somehow. This is what connects this episode to the rage episode on Wednesday this past Wednesday. I'll link it in the show notes. I lost my train of thought. But this is what happens when you finally do unfreeze. Right? This is what could happen when your voice finally comes through, when you finally say the no, set the boundary, claim the autonomy. For many of you, the answer is you will get demonized. And that demonization can feel like the proof of the very thing your nervous system always featured. Like you're you're at fault. It's you. You're the common denominator. Your nervous system is like saying, see, it was going to be my fall. This is what happens when I speak up. So today I want to talk about what actually happened to Lilith after she flew away, the real cost of boundaries and why it's so brutal. I want to talk about why this demonization happens, and it's not because it's about you. And how this connects to the free cycle from the last episode. And of course, how to survive the cost and find your wings anyway.

From Flight To Punishment

SPEAKER_01 3:10

So I want to pick off, pick up where part one of Lilith's story left off. Lilith part one will be in the show notes. The flight wasn't the end, it was the beginning of the punishment. Lilith left. She refused to submit. She spoke her truth. She flew away to claim her own autonomy. And then the story turns on her. So, like, so that you don't have to listen to the first one if you don't want to, but quick blip. When Lilith flew away, God sent down three angels to find her. And they found her in the middle of the Red Sea hanging out with demons. And they told her, Hey, no harm, no foul. God says it's cool. Just come back, submit to Adam, and all will be well. She said, No, thanks. I'm gonna stay with the demons I got here. So the story goes. So she was just wanting to exist somewhere else. And she didn't get to just exist somewhere else. She didn't get to live her life. Instead, she became the explanation for every bad thing that happens to women and children. She's blamed for infant deaths. She's described as a seductress who steals men in the night. She becomes a demon, not because she did anything monstrous, but because the people she left needed a story that made her the villain. Think about what had to happen for this story to work. A woman asserted she was equal. She refused to submit. She left rather than submit. For the people left behind, for the systems that depended on her compliance, that couldn't just be she left because she had every right to. That story doesn't justify anything. That story makes them look bad. So the story got rewritten. She wasn't a woman claiming equality. She was a demon, a monster, something dangerous that needed to be feared and warned against. Nobody has to take a demon's perspective seriously. It justified the system that excluded her. Of course, we don't want her around. Look what she is. It warned other women. This is what pisses me off. I mean, all of it pisses me off. The story is shitty, right? The story of Lilith is shitty to it's just a shitty story. But this is what happens if you claim autonomy. You become a demon, is what it says to women. Lilith's demonology, like demonization, wasn't really about Lilith. It was about controlling everyone who heard her story afterward.

How Boundary Backlash Sounds

SPEAKER_01 6:28

So how does this work in actual life, right? Because this is a pattern, autonomy followed by demonization. This isn't ancient history. It's happening to you right now, every time you set a boundary. For the most part, if people are not safe around you, this is what's happening. If they've lived off your performance, this is what's happening. You spent years frozen, years where your body went still and your voice was silent, exactly like we talked about in the last episode. And then finally, after so much work, you unfreeze. You say the thing, you set the boundary, you claim your autonomy. And what happens? She's so different now. She's changed and not for the better. She thinks she's better than us. She's so selfish. She's so cold now. She used to be so sweet. What happened to her? She's being dramatic. She's too sensitive. She's difficult. None of these labels engage with what the boundary actually was. None of them ask, was the boundary reasonable? They go straight to character assassination, just like Lilith. People who depended on your compliance, on your performance, don't usually say, Oh, that's fair, I'll adjust. They often withdraw, they often talk about you to others. Maybe they recruit people to their side to ostracize you, demonize you. Maybe they cut you off first so they can claim they left you. Maybe you get punished with silence, exclusion, or escalating conflict. If your boundary threatens a family system, a friend group, a religious community, workplace culture, the system often closes ranks. You become the outsider, the cautionary tell, the one who could handle it. Couldn't handle what everyone else tolerates. So just like Lilith, what happens? You're cast out, you're demonized, you're turned into a warning. You might find yourself exiled from spaces you used to belong to. Family gatherings, friend groups, sometimes even your sense of identity comes into question because, like, basically, who am I if I'm not the person they need me to be? And here's here's where the freeze connects directly to the here's where, sorry, here's where Lilith and Lilith's story connects directly to the freeze, to the rage at the clock.

When Exile Reinforces Freezing

SPEAKER_01 9:32

In the last episode, we talked about how your nervous system learned to freeze because that was the safest response to threat. And we talked about the conditioning underneath it, the conditioning of feeling that it was going to be your fault somehow, no matter what, it was gonna fall, the blame was gonna fall on you. You work so hard to unfreeze. You practice your voice, you build the courage, you finally say the no, set the boundary, and then you get demonized for it. And what does your nervous system learn from that? See, I was right to freeze. Every time I use my voice, bad things happen. People leave, I get labeled, I lose things. The freeze was protecting me from this. But every time you take the risk, you unfreeze, speak, set the boundary, and the world responds with demonization, exile, or punishment, your nervous system files it away as confirmed. Speaking up leads to loss. Stay frozen, stay quiet, it's safer. This is why healing, this is why healing the freeze isn't just about your nervous system. It's about also about navigating a world that often punishes exactly the thing you're trying to learn to do. If you've set a boundary and the response was brutal, that doesn't mean your boundary was wrong. It doesn't mean you should go back to freezing. It means you would you experienced exactly what Lilith experienced. The cost of autonomy in a system that depended on your compliance. The demonization is information about them and the system, not a verdict on you or your boundary. So, why does this happen so predictable? Why

Why Systems Need A Villain

SPEAKER_01 11:33

is this so predictable? Why is the pattern autonomy than demonization so universal? Families, relationships, workplaces, friend groups, communities, they're systems. And systems develop equilibrium, roles, expectations. Often that equilibrium depends on certain people staying small, staying quiet, staying available, staying compliant. You might have been the one who never said no, who always showed up, who absorbed the conflict, who made everyone comfortable, who performed whatever role kept things running smoothly.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

When you stop, the system doesn't just adjust, it often attacks.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Because your compliance wasn't just your personality, it was load-bearing. The system was built in part on you continuing to do what you've always done. When you stop, the system doesn't say, oh, okay, let's let's recalibrate, let's rebalance. It often says, something's wrong, and that something is her. This is exactly what happened with Adam and Lilith. The relationship, the hierarchy Adam wanted depended on Lilith, Lilith's submission. When she refused, the something is wrong narrative had to point somewhere. It pointed at her. Because pointing at the system, at Adam's demand for dominance, would have required the system to change. Can I sidebar here for a second? Like I want to say that. So long, long, long time ago, this was created. The beginning in the book of Genesis, when God created the earth, God was actively present during this time, communicating via angels, watching what was going on with the first man and woman. And instead of having a good talking to Adam and saying, No, we want a world of equality, he went and got her and said, just come back and do what he says. What kind of paradise is that? What kind of promised land is that? No wonder Adam, I mean, no wonder Eve ate the apple. It wasn't nice there. I digress. But learning this story about Lilith and its context and when it was written and how it's intertwined with the King James Bible really poses a lot of questions, brings up a lot of questions, right? So I I went on a tangent there, a sidebar. I'm going back. Let me find my notes. What did I read? Okay. So here we are, right? Don't submit, refuse. Something has the something is wrong has to point somewhere. And it pointed toward Lilith. Lilith, the one trying to have equality, the one trying to be able to say no and yes when it was safe and good for her, not when it depended on someone else's needs. Demonizing the person who set the boundary is easier than examining why the system required that person's compliance in the first place. When you get called selfish, cold, difficult, dramatic, too sensitive, I want you to ask, is this actually about my behavior? Or is this about the system needing someone to blame so it doesn't have to look at itself? Almost always it's a system that doesn't want to look at itself. And there's another layer to this. Anyone that has a chronic illness, anyone that has a diagnosis, I'm not even just gonna say only neurodivergent. But sometimes when you start to gain your autonomy, claim your autonomy, claim your no. And your ADHD, autistic or odd HD, your boundaries get reframed as symptoms. This is just your autism talking. You're being so rigid. Is this an autism thing? I think your ADHD is making you impulsive about this decision. Have you talked to your therapist about how black and white you're being? Is this a meltdown or are you actually upset about something real? This takes your autonomy and recategorizes it as a malfunction, a symptom, something to be managed, medicated, or therapized away rather than respected. This is Lilith's demonization with clinical vocabulary. Instead of demon, it's disorder. Instead of monster, it's symptomatic, but the function is identical. Discredit the autonomy, protect the system, warn others. The question of is this really you or is this your ADHD autism is designed to make you doubt your own boundary, to make you question whether your note is valid or whether it's just a neurological

Turning Autonomy Into A Diagnosis

SPEAKER_01 18:10

glitch that should be overridden. Your neuroolith, sorry, your neuro. I'm gonna try this one more time. Your neurology is you. There's no real you hiding behind your ADHD or autism that would that would set different boundaries if only the disorder weren't in the way. Your sensory needs are real, your needs for directness are real. Your intensity, your need for routine, your shutdown when overwhelmed, these aren't malfunctions interfering with your true boundaries. They are you setting boundaries the way you actually work. When someone says, is this your autism or is this really you? The answer is yes, both, always. There is no separating them, and there's no reason to shut the fuck up. You're sounding like an ignorant person. Don't say that. That's not very therapeutic, that's not very kind. I don't, I'm not really encouraging that. I'm just venting. So, like, what of what's what happened? Like reframing, like, I want to reframe the exile. Because Lilith's story doesn't end with, and she was sad and alone forever. Yes, Lilith was demonized, but think about what that demonization actually represents. She became significant enough to need explaining, powerful enough to be feared, memorable enough that her name has survived for thousands of years. All because she wanted equality. All because her no was not being honored. Lilith has a story because she did something that mattered enough to require a mythology to contain it. When you get called difficult, selfish, cold, too much, consider these labels exist because your boundary was powerful enough to require a counter narrative. A boundary that didn't matter wouldn't need to be discredited. The intensity of the backlash is often a direct measure of how much your compliance mattered to maintaining the system. So I want you to try to convert, reframe the labels. She is so selfish now, means she finally has boundaries. She changed and not for the better means she stopped performing for us. She thinks she's better than us means she stopped making herself smaller than us. She's so cold, means she stopped giving without limit. She's so dramatic means she's expressing her actual needs. This is just her autism, ADHD talking, means this is her communicating

Reframing The Labels They Use

SPEAKER_01 21:32

clearly. Lilith flew. She existed beyond the garden, beyond the story that tried to contain her. Whatever she became afterwards, however, she was described by the people who feared her, she was somewhere else living and existing on her own terms. The exile wasn't the end of her existence. It was the beginning of her existence on her. Terms. How do you get through this, right? So, like you can live on your terms, you can say no, you can buck against the system to advocate for yourself, to ask for what you need, to get the proper treatment, the proper love, the good support system, whatever it is you need. But how do you get through the exile, the loss, the demonization? If you know a boundary is going to be unwelcome, I want you to prepare. Expect specific reactions, anger, silence, smear campaigns, being excluded. Have support lined up before you set the boundary, not after. I'm about to set a boundary with my mom for the first time in whatever years I'm alive. And I'm going to call my best friend. I'm going to have a therapy appointment. I'm going to call. I'm going to go to my support group. I'm going to call my best friend, like whoever it is. You're going to talk to them afterwards. Remind yourself that their reaction is information about the system that they're wanting to uphold, not a verdict on you. Your nervous system might respond to social exile like it's a survival threat, because for most of human history, being cast out of your group was a survival threat. So somatic practices help here. Putting your feet on the floor, feeling your weight in the chair on the ground as you're standing, reminding your body, hey, I'm still here, I'm still safe. Practice grounding, co-regulating with safe people, even a few safe relationships can signal your nervous system. Not everyone. So like it can like it can signal your nervous system that like not everyone left. Not everyone is going to exile you.

How To Survive The Fallout

SPEAKER_01 24:05

So co-regulating basically means spending time, being in space, being in conversation with a safe person, someone that can keep you grounded, bring you down to earth, help you find reason, help you work through your emotions and understand, help you understand what's going on. And then their breath work. If breath is accessible, use breath work to manage the activation that comes with social rejection. Simple rule of thumb here is if you want to work with the breath and don't know where to start, or it's all confusing and you don't really care, you're breathing. Make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale. The longer your exhale is, that is a good and a good way of regulating the nervous system. Longer exhale. The loss still hurts. Both are true. Lilith existed beyond the garden. You can too. The people who can handle your autonomy, who don't need your compliance to feel comfortable, they exist. And sometimes you have to lose the old community to have room to find the new one. So when you get labeled as selfish, cold, is this your ADHD talking? I want you to write down what actually happened, the factual boundary you set. Compare it to the label you just received. This can help you stay anchored in reality when demonization tries to rewrite your story. Enrage at being demonized for a reasonable boundary is valid rage. Let it remind you that you are not the monster in this story. You are the woman who said no, and that's allowed to be true, even if they tell it differently. Even if they tell your story, your reaction, your boundary all differently. You're allowed to say no. If someone tries to reframe your boundary as just your autism or just your ADHD, you can respond with this is me, all of me, including my neurology, setting a boundary that doesn't make that doesn't make it less valid.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

It makes it mine. Lilith said no.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

She flew, and then the story turned her into a monster. And it's not because of anything she did, but because the people she left needed a story that protected them from having to look at themselves. And that can happen to you too when you start to say your no, as you start to unfreeze, as you find your voice. And when you finally use it, sometimes you will get demonized, labeled, exiled. And your nervous system might whisper, see, this is why we froze. This is why it's safer to stay quiet. But this is what I want to take from Lilith, and I want you to take from Lilith. The demonization isn't proof you did something wrong. It's proof you did something that mattered. Something powerful enough that the system needed a story to discredit it.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

You're not the monster. If anyone's the monster, it's them. The system that demands you to be anything but your true self. Let them tell their story about you.

SPEAKER_01 28:27

You know your truth. And somewhere beyond their garden, you have wings. Use them. Get the fuck out that garden. The next bonus episode will be a little bit more about shadow work that'll come out next Friday. Wednesday's episode will be continuing in the rage arc. I I started working on it. What is my title? What is my topic? I don't have my outline in front of me. I don't memorize this. But it's more about the rage arc. I don't have details. I'm just yet. I work from episode to episode. I'm not a master planner. Hello. I don't I'm just one person. Anyways,

Closing And Share Request

SPEAKER_01 29:18

tangential. Okay. If you like what you hear, if you think this is some good stuff for someone to hear, please share it. Please talk about it. This is me as a neurodivergent, trauma-experienced woman who became a therapist to heal herself. And from there, I'm sharing all I know, all I can to help every woman that hears this, that goes through sexual trauma, that goes through trauma or late diagnosed neurodivergence to have a space to land, to learn, to grow, to heal. I'm not doing any marketing. I'm not on any social media platforms. This is just word of mouth. So if you can share this, if you could talk about this, this is a topic we need to talk about. This is not something we need to hide in the back rooms or the deep dark pockets of our souls. This world needs us to share our experience and to say no more. We need so many more Liliths in this world. Let them demonize us.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

We know the truth about who we are and what we're asking for. All right, my dears.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

Until next week, take the gentlest possible care of your awakened heart. And if you've been demonized for a boundary lately, you're in good company. Lilith would be proud. Take care of you, and I'll see you soon.